There’s much talk these days about empowerment, “I’m free to be me,” “I’m true to myself.” I sometimes get the feeling from such affirmations that they are challenging, even at times defiant. With concerns swirling around our collective mental health and sense of purpose, it begs the question: what is self-esteem, and where does it come from? 

Self-esteem is not something we pop out of the womb with. Some of us experience a childhood that confirms our worth, and some do not so much or not at all, but whatever the circumstance, there are no guaranteed self-esteem outcomes. Having authentic confidence in ourselves and knowing our intrinsic value is perhaps our most crucial challenge in this life and is something we are responsible for developing.

So why is self-esteem important? Everything in our world involves an exchange of power. However small, every choice gives us power or takes it away. Having a healthy sense of self empowers our ability to make healthy choices. For example, we are less likely to abuse ourselves with drugs or stay in an abusive situation. Self-esteem affects the quality of everything we do, from mental and physical health to relationships and work.

Through the centuries, humans have grappled with the seductive illusion that externals and even today measure self-worth; this is our predominant cultural belief: Value is measured by material success, celebrity, notoriety, and the opinions of others. This accounts for much of what ails us because we make the unhealthy choice of handing our power over to the external world that is out of our control.

This plays out in multiple ways. For example, we create the illusion of being powerful as in an “I am what I am,” a take it-or leave-it attitude where we create a show of empowerment wholly dependent on the opinion of others. Any criticism, constructive or not, and the façade is easily shaken. We may suffer from “imposter syndrome,” fearing that others will discover that we’re not what we present. Social media platforms are brilliantly constructed to exploit this as we measure our value in “likes” and followers. We may be looking for sympathy, agreement with our opinions, or for others to envy us, but whatever it is, seeking validation from others leaves us weak, vulnerable, and easily manipulated. In truth, the hallmark of self-esteem is humility. When we genuinely believe in ourselves, we do not need to broadcast it.

With low self-esteem, others dictate what we should and shouldn’t do. We live in a constant, unhealthy compromise, scrambling to keep the status quo. Because we haven’t developed our self-esteem, we fear we don’t have what it takes to be responsible for our lives—for example, staying in a toxic relationship to keep a roof over our heads. We become overly susceptible to other people’s opinions, worried we’ll be rejected, criticized, made fun of, or seen as a failure.

The beauty in all of this is that we have all the answers. Self-esteem stems from the courage and resolve needed to confront and manage who we are right now. We all have a voice that promotes negative behavioral patterns that trap us in the same self-defeating cycles of poor choices. It sounds like, “You’re not good enough,” “You’ll make a fool of yourself,” and so on. Self-esteem develops from the discipline to take on this voice and confront and break these unhealthy patterns. We build on our successes with healthier choices, and our self-belief gradually strengthens.

In the words of the late Irish poet John O’Donohue, “When a person is at home in his life, he always has a clear instinct about the shape of outer situations; even amid confusion, he can discern the traces of a path forward.” Self-esteem makes us effective and trustworthy leaders, team members, partners, and friends, keeps us steady in a crisis, and gives us the courage and confidence to generate positive action for the greater good. Developing and nurturing self-esteem is essential for our well-being and a vital contribution to the well-being of all of us and our world.