Some of the biggest challenges we deal with come from situations where we feel we’ve been hurt. Most of us will face somebody or something this week that will make us feel this way. And we will be faced with a choice of how we handle it. And here’s where we need to step back and look at the big picture before we act. And then we have a choice because there are three ways to go:

We can exact revenge, grant forgiveness, or hold a grudge. Which we choose impacts us so significantly that it’s not an overestimation to say it’s vital to pay attention here.

I realized this years ago when I looked around at the quality of my relationships. What I saw was a direct reflection of how well I was handling being hurt. It was quite the wake-up call!

When my father died, it set off a family feud that took a turn for the worse one night on a country road. Two strange men in a car tried to block my way. They’d been employed by “the other side” to serve me legal papers in retaliation for papers we’d served them. But I didn’t know that until later. And right there on a dark, lonely road, frightened half to death, I realized that exacting revenge wasn’t for me. It wasn’t wise, and it wasn’t going to work. Because revenge is never a good way to go, there may be a moment of triumph, but it doesn’t last. This old “eye for an eye” approach is always destructive and can sometimes become dangerous. 

The majority don’t exact revenge, though. We hold a grudge, which is a kind of halfway house. We don’t act against the person, but we don’t forgive them either. We hold on to feeling hurt and don’t move on. And this is where I believe many of us end up: totally stuck, all alone, cynical, and even physically sick.

I know a woman who argued with a fellow collaborator, left the project, and couldn’t relinquish the grudge. The other person didn’t get stuck in the situation and moved on to do some other wonderful things. The sad outcome was that the woman missed out on some great opportunities and became more bitter and resentful. A grudge only hurts the person who holds it.

And then we come to our third option, forgiveness, which seems weak and wishy-washy. We don’t get the same feeling of instant gratification we get when we get one over on somebody or when we hold our grudge close. Granting forgiveness is hard. Our egos don’t like it. We have a voice in our heads saying, “If you forgive, you’re letting them get away with it.” 

But here’s why granting forgiveness is the only way to go: It releases us from the past, frees up the present, and makes room for all the great things we’d rather do in the future. It even improves our health. Forgive, but don’t forget the lesson.

There are unbelievable stories of the power of forgiveness everywhere: The citizens of Boston and victims of the bombing; Renee Napier, who forgave the man who killed her child, created The Meagan Napier Foundation, and went on tour with him to promote safe driving; the Charleston church bombing community and congregation. We all know at least one story of forgiveness that is truly elegant.

None of us has the monopoly on being hurt. It’s a two-way street. People will wake up this morning thinking about how we have hurt them. We must always take responsibility for our part and never forget to ask for our own forgiveness.