We live in a dynamic, competitive culture heavily focused on the vocal selling of something - anything from ideas to people to products. As the volume cranks up, it’s fascinating to consider that as loud as this clamor is, we spend much more time listening than talking on average. Yet, few people have had any guidance or education regarding the complexities of effective listening.  This suggests that we take effective listening for granted, so how much does it matter?

In a recent article entitled Talk to Me, I explored the origins of today’s communication crisis. How it negatively impacts our lives by eroding connection and community. As our interactions become increasingly brief, they expose a direct correlation with the rise in intolerance brought about by our superficial understanding of one another. We often only hear what we want to hear and what agrees with our line of thinking. Much of the suspicion and misunderstanding today comes about because we’re not very good at actively listening to one another, and we often fear what we will hear.

It’s highly frustrating when we have something to say and don’t feel heard, and it’s equally as frustrating to sit still and listen when we don’t want to. So, why is listening so challenging?

Listening is not a simple thing. It’s a complex process requiring a great deal of awareness, an open heart, and a non-judgmental mind. Often, in an interaction, for example, we are already close to what is said and not actually listening but mentally composing our response and waiting for our moment to jump in and take over the conversation. Fidgeting, continually interrupting, and trying to change the subject indicate an inability and unwillingness to listen. Speaking without listening results in any possibility of productive dialogue being replaced by the divisive competition of points scoring.

Being an effective listener is a rewarding discipline. So, how can we cultivate more effective listening methods to improve our lives?

Effective listening requires us to choose to remove ourselves from the center of attention. Choosing to listen requires motivation, so what is yours? Is it a desire for greater understanding, to strengthen connection, to avoid conflict, or to craft a well-designed response?

Listening then requires that we participate fully with the discipline to keep still and the necessary patience to receive what’s said. Then begins the often-complex task of interpreting what we’re hearing, deciding when to interact, and interjecting when we’re having genuine difficulty understanding. Being a good listener also requires that we dig beneath the superficiality to try to understand the intention attached to the words.

Cultivating good listening skills will help in every area of our lives. Listening is essential when it comes to solving problems, both big and small. Effective and popular leaders are also good listeners. Valued and popular team members are also good listeners. Without effective listening, we can’t connect properly, we can’t make discerning choices, and we misinterpret other people’s actions. Lack of effective listening creates fertile ground for conflict. We all feel better when we feel heard, and remember, if you want to be heard, you should also be prepared to listen.