elegant aspirations

There's a lot of discussion today about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. But when I look around, I see that, in reality, masculine and feminine traits have less to do with which gender we are and more to do with who we are.

Former British Prime Minister Theresa May was a tough negotiator with the complex task of leading Britain out of the European Union who wore pretty kitten heels. Former heavyweight champion boxer Mike Tyson, the most feared fighter of his generation, cared for his racing pigeons with the tenderness a mother gives her newborn.

We all have a unique blend of masculine and feminine traits. This is important for helping to keep balance in the world. If you combine gentleness with strength, for example, it becomes flexible, which makes it even stronger. 

It can be challenging to maintain balance, which is why we need both the masculine and the feminine to make it work. For example, there's a fine line between "being in control" or "being controlling," between being assertive or being ruthless, and between being firm or being rigid. This is why today's rise in overtly aggressive masculine behavior feels so disturbing. It’s knocking us off balance, which, as I learned from experience, is damaging and potentially dangerous.

My father, who was a working farmer, died unexpectedly at sixty-eight. He'd been a very kind man and a strong man in every sense of that word. He cared for his family, other people, the land, and the animals. He was a role model who led by example.

After our father's death, my eldest brother became head of the family and took over the running of the farm. It was such a relief, particularly for my mother, who was in a

vulnerable spot. "You don't need to worry about a thing," I remember him saying. "Trust me, I’m the only one who can do this!" Two years later, he had almost bankrupted my mother. Physical intimidation and ten years of expensive litigation followed, which became so intense that the case ended up in the High Court in London.

It shocked me because of my father's excellent example of what it means to be a real man. He was courageous, courteous, and compassionate to a fault. There was simply no comparison between him and my eldest brother, who turned out to be a fake man—a fake man who wanted total control, no matter the cost, make believing he was the only one who mattered. 

So, I know firsthand what destruction the shadow masculine can create, and I also know firsthand the value of the many masculine traits that make the world a better place.  

These days, things have become confusing. Because we no longer need to be physically strong to get ahead, the lines between traditional men’s and women’s roles have blurred. It’s not surprising that this is creating turmoil and unrest. What is good news for some is seen as threatening to others who, feeling lost, want to return to how things were. This has led to an uptick in aggressive, divisive masculine behavior, which ironically has support from a percentage of not only other men but also some women.

Rather than allowing this situation to create more division and suspicion, I suggest we move beyond reflexive gender stereotypes. Instead of turning our backs on masculinity altogether or allowing toxic masculinity to run amok, we place the proper value on the valuable masculine traits we all share, such as bravery, strength, generosity, gentleness, and providing for others.