Everything in our world has a light side and a dark side and Love is no exception. We can Leverage our Love in many ways and some of those ways have a seamy, shadowy under-side. I use the word Shadow here because the dark side of Love is often consciously or unconsciously hidden away from plain sight, making it hard to shed light on what is really happening.

Wherever Love manifests The Shadow follows: Romantic relationships can descend into entanglements when partners become threatened by the growth and development of their loved one, fearing it will lead to abandonment.

Parents’ Love for their offspring can turn into disempowerment and entrapment for the children in an effort to retain emotional control.

Children can withhold Love from their parents to gain an emotional, and sometimes material, advantage.

Friends can manipulate and keep one another small to support their own fear-fueled neurosis.

Romantic relationships are very fertile soil for Shadowy behavior. The chances that our partner will share the same growth trajectory as we do, is slim at best. This means that one person in the relationship will likely be drawn to something outside of the partnership that has the potential to unsettle the other. Imagine the scenario when one person expresses the desire to have a break and go travelling alone. This can be taken as criticism of some kind and something to threaten the union, or as an opportunity to support our loved one’s need to spend some time alone and return refreshed. Experiences beyond a partnership can mean that when we come back together we have experiences to share that breath restorative new life into our lives together.

I recently read about a woman who had been told by her husband that he was burned out and needed to leave her and the children. He explained his need to get away but offered continued financial support for the household in the same way he always had. She was, understandably, devastated. Her knee-jerk reaction was to call a lawyer and file for divorce. But she didn’t. Instead she took a deep breath and reminded herself of what a good man he was and how he had always been there in every way, always putting the family first: Often to his own detriment. It came to her that he was desperate and that she had the perfect opportunity to help him. Not knowing how things would go she had the courage to tell him that she loved him, that she understood and that she would be there for him in any way he needed. He was astonished. Expecting a painful and dramatic scene, instead he got unconditional support in a time of his life when he most needed it. This changed his perspective. No longer feeling trapped and taken for granted, his plan to leave turned into needing a year out to get himself together. Three weeks later he was back! He returned to the family with gratitude for their support of his individual journey and a renewed love and appreciation for them and the positive part they played in his life.

This woman’s strong sense of self allowed her to see beyond herself and face the fear in a way that helped sustain both of them. What had the potential to be just another shadowy broken home and yet another painful divorce statistic, turned into a glorious opportunity for true love and deep connection. Of course her gamble might have “failed”. But even if he had not returned, she saved them both from the shame, guilt and martyrdom of a miserable and angry entanglement and emotionally damaged children.

The way we leverage our Love as parents can also be a minefield of complication. If our self-esteem is rooted in the relationship with our children then preparing them for a life on their own, as fully functioning adults, can be put at risk. I have seen Shadow parenting where children are encouraged to overly rely on their parents and then find it increasingly difficult to cut loose and make a productive life of their own. Often this is done under the sanctimonious guise of sacrificial Love, which uses guilt and martyrdom to control and quash independence. The results are disastrous for both sides: Parents live in fear that the child will leave and the child acts out, feeling resentful about the entrapment.

Shadow Love has no option on age either. Infants learn very quickly how to manipulate their parents into getting what they want by crying to get attention. This is a very effective and necessary survival mechanism. However, if this behavior is allowed to run, unchecked, it can turn into something else altogether as the years go by. If the child is enabled to continue this strategy, without checks and balances, by parents who lack the ability to say “no”, it puts the child in the emotional driving seat and consequently in charge of the relationship. This can lead to a painful, shadowy cycle of withholding affection to manipulate events to gain advantage.

Friendships too can be fraught with Shadows and the underlying theme is the same. Signs of growth and development can be profoundly unsettling in friendships that are rooted in keeping one another small to suit a fear-based agenda. Often it is the very smallness itself that acts as the glue that keeps the friendship intact. We can find ourselves actively encouraging one another to remain small by sabotaging any signs of growth. And this is one way to feel better about our own lack of development. Seeing our friends flourish into their true potential shines a spotlight directly upon our own shadowy inadequacies. 

These are just a few of the numerous ways Shadow Love can be Leveraged, but these painful scenarios have much in common. What is it that drives us to the stormy, Shadow side of Love? At the epicenter of the Shadow’s abusive tornado there is a solid core of fear: Fear for our very survival. We have fear that we are not good enough on our own, fear that we can’t survive alone and fear that we are not lovable.

All of this germinates in a shaky sense of our own self worth, and from there it’s only a short step to needing others to shore up our ego’s sense of identity. Once the ego drives the interaction with our loved ones, genuine love for the other person becomes a shadowy, secondary consideration at best. Our ego self wants to be in control and to possess while simultaneously telling us we are doing the right thing for others.

If Shadow Love takes a serious hold it can even turn us into “emotional vampires”. Vampires survive by literally living off the life-blood of others. Essentially the same scenario plays out in the Love arena. Emotional vampires live off the emotional energy of others. The ultimate emotional vampire often masquerades as a selfless giver of Love, who appears to do everything for their loved ones, but in truth is serving their own needs entirely. They skillfully control their environment, and possess their victims, by using shame and guilt to control their relationships.

The concept of the emotional vampire may sound overly dramatic, but we have all experienced being at the mercy of another’s ability to make us ashamed and guilty of our own wants and desires. All done under the guise of Love, it can be very tricky to spot in the shadows. And none of us are immune from this. We all have times in our lives when we are driven by our Shadow side, falling prey to our own fears of being abandoned by our loved ones and descending into manipulative martyrdom or victimization to assert control.

All this does is to keep everyone small. From the person dishing out the Shadow Love to the person receiving it, all that happens is everyone being kept from his or her true potential and higher purpose. And with all the difficulties facing us, and our planet, this does not serve us well. Nobody is ever remembered for remaining insignificant.

There is only one way to free our selves from the endless cycle of suffering created by The Shadow. And here’s the paradox: Relief can only be found when we open the cage door and set one another free. Freedom in a relationship allows for authenticity and that may even mean the end of something. However painful this might be at least we know the situation is built on a purer form of Love, and honors the other person’s life journey. By allowing freedom into our relationships we become the architects of our own happiness, and nothing is more satisfying than knowing we are together because we genuinely care.

Next time you feel fearful in your relationships stop and ask yourself why? What is it that makes you feel fearful? Are you making your loved one fearful? What is really going on between you? What is good for the other person? What is really the best for you? So often our fears are unfounded and the answers you receive may provide the relief you need.

This is a tough issue for all of us in today's world. We have so many challenges facing us, many of which we can't control. But how we Leverage our Love for one another is an area of our lives where we can take charge and make a palpable difference. Many of our relationships are being unnecessarily dragged into the shadows: held there by the weight of the fear-driven ego that thrives in the darkness.

Sharing the experience is one of the most effective ways to illuminate our behavior and the behavior of our loved ones. Once the issues are brought into the light it becomes possible to work on techniques that make a real difference to the quality of our relationships.

I would love to hear about your challenges as you navigate Love in your life and please share your stories through the contact form on my website. Your story will be confidential.

Remembering that not one of us has immunity from The Shadow, sharing our experiences is an act of great service for others. There is no need for shame and guilt and by doing so we can significantly help one another. Its a rare thing that our problems are unique and inevitably some one else will have been there before us and have insights that can make a difference.